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Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 55, Day 56, keep holding on, keep staying strong...

This is so hard.  I am so hungry that I have to physically restrain myself from eating food.  Every minute feels like hours.  This is what I wrote to my doctor:

I just wanted to touch base with you for this upcoming week.  All week, I have had only two cups of Jello, which are four ounces each, and a quarter of a cup of soup broth.  My output has decreased for 80cc to probably less than 5cc per day.  Just enough to wet the gauze I have covering the site.  I should note that the stain on the gauze comes out red when I have red Jello.  I am starving and my hunger grows each and every day - truly miserable at this point.  If you thought it was okay, I was going to increase to have three Jellos per day.  What do you think of this, and are there any (if any) other increases you should make this week, or is this how much I should do until the fistula site dried up completely?  Thanks so much.  I eagerly await your reply.

And this was his response:
My preference at this point is to achieve a completely dry, closed fistula before advancing your oral intake further. Although I do not know that increasing the jello to three times per day will have any negative effect, I caution you that any increase may well increase the fistula drainage and prevent closure. You have to balance your need to satisfy your hunger, your need to keep your sanity, and your need to close the fistula. Not any easy balancing act. Let me know what you decide.
I am so disappointed, I don't even know what to say.  I am just going to try to take it day by day, because I really want this fistula to close.
What I tell myself every day.
Saw some cute puppies at the mall which made me smile.
 Then I smelled my amazing deep dish pizza which made me cry.
 Very uninspired and hungry, I started a piece called "Match Your Heartbeat to the Heartbeat of the Universe."
 Then I played with some iron-on transfer paper.
We are going to a lot of malls to pass the time.
I did an abstract background in preparation for another inchies piece.  It's a project I can lose myself in that is very time-consuming, and I can do a little bit every day, so it's a good thing to do right now.

I found this adorable chocolate box and thought it would be the perfect shadow box for some three-dimensional inchies!
Some more abstract backgrounds...

 Match Your Heartbeat to the Heartbeat of the Universe
The girl is playing the triangle and the earth is playing the drums.
 I started this piece too.

Wish me luck.  This is one of the hardest times in my life I've had for a long time.  I don't want a colostomy so I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but gosh this is impossible.

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