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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

This too shall pass - Gratitude for the blessings and the curses

Today I am feeling gratitude that all things pass.  
I'm looking back on my wedding day with fond memories, laughing as I think of me dancing around in that huge dress, and getting a wee bit sniffly as I think about saying our vows in front of all our friends and family.
I am so grateful all of this love has come into my life.  It's filled each moment with endless wonder and comfort.

 I'm also looking back at harder times that have passed.  I found this old blog post from May 2011.  After a surgery that didn't go as planned (surprise surprise) I ended up with several pesky fistulas that refused to close.  The doctors told me if I just "stopped eating and drinking" altogether - seriously - it would close.  And for how long?  "Until it closes."  
I obeyed, the good patient that I was.  It was more than difficult.

My fistulas never closed.

Eventually I got so fed up that I just started eating and drinking again.  Because I'm human, not a robot.  Having the fistulas was a sacrifice I was willing to have in exchange for my humanity.

It's amazing that these blog posts are the only real glimpse I have on that time for me.  This was day 55 of four months - just more months to add to the six of the past ten years without food or drink.

But hey, I'll stop my sob story now.  I just got back from my honeymoon and this was my dinner - no joke.

 The lesson?  THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!


MAY 2011

This is so hard.  I am so hungry that I have to physically restrain myself from eating food.  Every minute feels like hours.  This is what I wrote to my doctor:

I just wanted to touch base with you for this upcoming week.  All week, I have had only two cups of Jello, which are four ounces each, and a quarter of a cup of soup broth.  My output has decreased for 80cc to probably less than 5cc per day.  Just enough to wet the gauze I have covering the site.  I should note that the stain on the gauze comes out red when I have red Jello.  I am starving and my hunger grows each and every day - truly miserable at this point.  If you thought it was okay, I was going to increase to have three Jellos per day.  What do you think of this, and are there any (if any) other increases you should make this week, or is this how much I should do until the fistula site dried up completely?  Thanks so much.  I eagerly await your reply.

And this was his response:
My preference at this point is to achieve a completely dry, closed fistula before advancing your oral  intake further. Although I do not know that increasing the jello to three times per day will have any negative effect, I caution you that any increase may well increase the fistula drainage and prevent closure. You have to balance your need to satisfy your hunger, your need to keep your sanity, and your need to close the fistula. Not any easy balancing act. Let me know what you decide.
I am so disappointed, I don't even know what to say.  I am just going to try to take it day by day, because I really want this fistula to close.
What I tell myself every day.
Saw some cute puppies at the mall which made me smile.
 Then I smelled my amazing deep dish pizza which made me cry.
 Very uninspired and hungry, I started a piece called "Match Your Heartbeat to the Heartbeat of the Universe."
 Then I played with some iron-on transfer paper.
We are going to a lot of malls to pass the time.
I did an abstract background in preparation for another inchies piece.  It's a project I can lose myself in that is very time-consuming, and I can do a little bit every day, so it's a good thing to do right now.

I found this adorable chocolate box and thought it would be the perfect shadow box for some three-dimensional inchies!
Some more abstract backgrounds...

 Match Your Heartbeat to the Heartbeat of the Universe
The girl is playing the triangle and the earth is playing the drums.
 I started this piece too.

Wish me luck.  This is one of the hardest times in my life I've had for a long time.  I don't want a colostomy so I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but gosh this is impossible.

Today, be grateful for where you are.  Things might not be perfectly how you'd like them to be, but be grateful for how far you've come.

Everything passes.  So don't forget to live it up every passing moment.


  1. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this! I was hospitalized when I was younger and I was on no food for only 5 days, and that felt like a lifetime! Glad to hear you're doing better though, and that massive dinner looks amazing!

  2. I'm sorry you're going through this but love your attitude that this too shall pass. Still so much to be grateful for, life, love, laughter. Enjoy all those small miracles that touch your life each day. Your art is so beautiful.
    Cynthia @craftoflaughter

  3. Your so inspiring. .through tough times you're encouraging people to know that every moment has its season. .. I know that this too shall pass for u ;)

  4. YOU + ME = need to go out for a meal or 10 because hot damn your appetite is just like mine - ha ha ah ahaha ha ha! Which is quite funny since we are so small ;)

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