Day 44 and Day 45 and I want to give up.

I'm so hungry, I'm shaking.  I don't know if I can do this anymore.  I'm chewing 10 pieces of gum per day, and all I can do is think about food, and not in a fun way.  It tortures me wherever I go.  And furthermore, this fistula is showing no signs of healing.  I want answers and I am not seeing any positive trends.  This is the lowest I have felt in a long while.

I think this picture captures my pain right now.  Yet it's called "The Promise of a Spring".

 On a positive note, my art show is this weekend!  Leona and her husband Dick helped me set up - I could not have done it without them!

 After a few hours of hard work and hanging, I think it looks pretty good!

 My turkey chili cornbread casserole really went - but the smell was so agonizing for me.

Every morning I tell myself "I can't make it through another day like this", yet somehow I make it to the finish line - my sacred Jello time at 9:00pm.  Then to bed, and another marathon of a day awaits me.

Day 43: AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I can't stand it - I am SO hungry, I can't even think straight.  I find it harder and harder to concentrate on my artwork.  All I want to do is play with food ad dream about it.  This is torture.

This sweatshirt perfectly expresses my feelings at this point!

So today, I was in the kitchen for almost six hours!  Cooking and cooking for my fortunate family members who can eat.

Amaretti Cookies

Vinegar Cookies (don't knock 'em till you try 'em!)

Really easy Cinnamon Rolls with Pecans

chocolate pretzel cookies

crispy seltzer waffles

eggs and toast for mom

A breakfast wrap for dad with eggs, cheese, and turkey bacon

 Then I made a really easy, quick dinner:  Turkey Chili Cornbread Casserole.  I think it took me no more than 20 minutes to make!

Cook the ground turkey, saute the onion and garlic.

Add diced tomatoes, corn, and spices.

After simmering for 10 minutes, add the black beans.

Mix together some cornmeal, eggs, sugar, and baking powder for a crust that will fluff up when baked for 20 minutes.

 Spring is really in its element now.  It's a beautiful thing to watch it unfold.  There are always things to be grateful for.

 My giraffe decided he liked the hat I made!

Jam Thumbprint Cookies

Blueberry-Orange Muffins

Baked peanut butter doughnuts with a chocolate glaze

Soft Pretzels

Pecan Crescent Cookies

HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!   When oh lord when?!

Day 42 and feeling low.

I am so hungry, I can hardly stand it.  Part of me wants to just eat and not care about the consequences.  The other half of me wants this fistula to heal and will do anything, even starve myself and go against my hunger cues, in order to repair my body.  It's ironic, going against human nature to restore it.  Food smells are everywhere, and it's getting harder to keep up hope.  It was easier to keep trucking along when the trend of things was improving.  Now, it just feels like a  free-for-all.  I'm just really, really hungry.  This is TORTURE!

I finally finished my still life. 

Then I did this abstract painting for fun.

...and this background for later.

41 days so far :(

Well, my trip got off to a poor start when my fistula re-opened and started leaking again.  So no 12-ounce protein shake anymore - in fact, the doctor said to cut out ALL oral intake altogether!  It was really hard, but I'm making my way through...it was a nice trip though, considering the circumstances.

On the way there, I came across the awesome bouncy emporium - I wish I was 5!

I quickly drew this for my mom to set the tone for our trip.

I sewed this (gulp) in my Fabric Collage class - my first real attempt at sewing since my 7th grade Home Economics class!

A second one that I made - with a bit of help from my handy glue gun!!!

 Some sculptures and paintings in the building were really beautiful.

 I like the idea of layering canvases over one another.

 Erin was so much fun to do the classes with - it's so nice to spend time with old friends.

Yes, we built a bear together!

As a ode to my starvation, I named him Jello and decorated his shirt in puff paint!

At the end of the week there was a huge art expo, selling vintage memorabilia for collage.

 Then it was home, and boy, did I miss cooking for everyone!

Cheesy Corn Cakes with turkey bacon and eggs

This was a sort of grilled cheese/french toast hybrid I concocted.  I toasted rye bread, slapped some provolone and turkey bacon on it, soaked it in an egg/spices/milk mixture, and fried it - YUM!

Buttery Soft Pretzels

Kasha and onions with scrambled eggs for mom.

The best Pumpkin Muffin recipe!

 My new toy - a doughnut maker I picked up at Target for 16 bucks!

I made Fluffy Cake Doughnuts which my brother said "tasted like Entemmans!"

 And to my family's request, I "had" to make Bobby Flay's deep dish pizza again - they LOVED it!

Now THAT's a deep dish!

Also some black and white cookies.

 Yes, it was quite a feast!  Soft pretzels, doughnuts, cookies, Apple Cheddar Pupcakes, kasha, corn cakes, grilled cheese, deep dish pizza...yeah, I'm pretty hungry!

I'm really angry, frustrated, depressed, and disappointed over this major setback.  I thought things were really closing up and now it feels like I am back at square one again.  But the only direction to go is forward, so onward I march...